rsandagon

A single mother's love

2010-02-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

It was a time when most people heaved a sigh of relief as they get out of work. A time marking a precious moment with the family. I walked passed our street with a tired face, trying to ignore the people around me. But the scraping noise right in front of me was hard to ignore. I tried make out the image amidst the darkened street. At first, I thought it was a street dog ravaging the garbage bins, but the cart full of organized plastics and cartoons proved me wrong. As I walk nearer, the silhouette became clearer: a woman was carefully salvaging cans from the garbage bins. She was doing it with all calmness trying not to make any noise. As I pass by, I caught a glimpse of realization. Tucked inside the cart was a small boy, not older than my son Jas. He was sleeping silently.

I got home, went straight to the remaining loot bags my friends donated and went out, hoping that the woman and her child are still there. I left the bag with the carton sheets, making sure that the woman will find it for later.

I was filled with thoughts about the mother and child. The walk back home was much heavier when I was carrying the bag.

What if I Died Today?

2010-01-20T01:24:00.000-08:00

What if I died today?

Have I made a foot mark enough to make an impression?
Will my eulogy be made from someone else's quotes? Einstein or Coehlo?
Will my body be carbon dusts or worm feeds? Or will I make the choice?
Shall I be forgiven? Or shall I easily be forgotten?
Will my smiles be remembered after a year or two?
Or will I be remembered in my children's traits?
Will my children learn from me in my letters? in blogs? in social videos?
In friends' recollection with a bit of imagination?
Or in programs and games, easily stored as bytes of data?
Will they hate me for not being there in their puberty?
Will my best friend name his dog after me as a last piece of humor?

Shall I die trying to live, or will I live trying to die?
Maybe I won't know. Maybe it doesn't matter at all.

yes, maybe.

AN EARLY MORNING GOOD NEWS

2010-01-18T04:51:00.000-08:00

It's great how google search result would brighten my early morning. It's been almost a week since we've been fruitlessly finding news about my friend Tristan who is working in Haiti. I never knew that my googling his name and Haiti today would give me great news. His name appeared on the accounted safe OFWs there:

http://www.manilatimes.net/index.php/component/content/article/42-rokstories/9925-78-more-pinoys-accounted-for-in-haiti

http://us.asiancorrespondent.com/tonyo-cruz-blog/list-of-65-filipinos-declared-safe-in-haiti

The news was just posted a few hours earlier. I hope his family received the good news already :)

The Distant Cry

2010-01-06T04:16:00.000-08:00

If my life, be a calamity,
then I would be the earthquake.
I would shutter the ground into pieces,
pull mountains to crumble beneath my feet,
reduce boulders into dusts,
and make the waves of the ocean chaotic with fury

I will make my presence be felt from afar.
I will cause havoc and fear to all terrestrial beings.
I will be the ending rumbling voice that will resonate long before silence.

And as mighty as I've risen from below, as horrid as my death will be.
Not bursting out from the solid soil.
But forever trapped into my own calamity.
As death decomposes to fragments
of bones and ashes and no more.

A Christmas Story

2009-12-24T22:04:00.000-08:00

"I never expected Christmas to be like this" she said as she slowly clears the tears from her swollen eyes. "Me neither" was all the thought he would say, but the words went lost in confusion as he clears his throat in despair. So he simply drew her near to lessen the space between them, but the distance he made was too great to carry. She hid her face inside her hair and hands. He hid inside his closed his eyes. He felt her sobs and can only kiss her forehead. So he did.

The chants of carols outside tried to drown the silence. The glittering Christmas lights tried to consume the night time. The neighbor's laughter, the out-of-tune-videoke singing, the naughty kids' fire crackers, the raging cars and tricycles -- all tried to take away the moment. But they both know nothing would change their emotions. Nothing about Christmas would ever be the same again.

The sobbing faded into slow intervals, and he offered her a cloth for the tears. They looked at each other and nodded, understanding that there are presents to open, noche buena to share and Christmas songs to sing with the kids and the family. He held her hands and slowly they went down the stairs to be greeted by an actively busy boy shouting "Ma look at my gifts!" His eyes were wide with pure honesty and joy. He took his parents hands and lead them into the pile of gifts being rummaged. It was a picture-perfect Christmas scene, one which would remind you of a black-and-white Christmas movie: The one with the happy ending.

Please VOTE for our WACOM 3December Entries

2009-12-10T02:04:00.000-08:00

BLINKY
http://3december.wacom.com/entries#9914

A creation of my sons' imagination

LOGAN
http://3december.wacom.com/entries#9916

Just a tribute to a comic hero

In a Matter of 5 Minutes

2009-11-29T06:12:00.000-08:00

I usually give Jas 5 minutes to play in his bath tub. It's his personal time without me scrubbing his delicate moments. It didn't occur to me that in such a short time, things unexpected may happen:

5 - Talked to Mom and Kuya about their special cooking as they plan to have one big hearty lunch.
4 - Got upstairs to check Jody and baby Nate
3 - Talked to Jody while playing with Nate
2 - Danced and Baby talked more
1 - Heard the commotion downstairs

I rushed in the restroom to see Jajas crying and shouting "Sorry Lola, sorry lola". He was being comforted by my kuya who seemed to be shocked himself. Seated nearby was my father hugging my mother who was soaked. My mother's face masked a pained expression. She was clearly hurt. My father simply said "Natumba sila".

Seeing how I reacted, Jas cried more and vomited as he shouted "Sorry Lola...Straight na ako sa Hell!" I simply shook my head. He was taken outside and was dried up in the kitchen. I found myself checking my mother if she was fine. She seemed to have broken something in her fall. I was asked to get a change of clothes, then handed the clothes back to papa and waited outside while I comforted Jas.

After drying up and checking her joints, my mom was supported by my father to the sala. She appeared unscathed thought suffering a mild sore left shoulder.

She told us how quickly it happened: How jas asked for support from the bath tub, how they slipped and fell and how she quickly placed her shoulder behind my son's head. Fortunately she was quick enough to prevent further accident to her and my son.

In a matter of minutes things turned from a delightful sweet lunch-cooking to an unexpected sour accident. In a matter of seconds I could have been there earlier to have avoided my mom getting hurt.

My mom is now fine with a few bruises, and my son now plays again.

I'm sure there's something good to learn out of what happened.

Jas' BIG question

2009-11-27T03:31:00.000-08:00

After being reprimanded for the nth time, Jas asked "Dada, Am I going straight to hell?". I answered with annoyance,"No. Why would you think of something like that?" He explained that he just wanted to have some fun sometimes. But his idea of fun usually ends up with me being angry. And so begins our marathon of stories about decisions, consequences, actions, and hell.

I ended my homily by stating that he should never dwell on the negative thoughts like being naughty, but instead think of doing good things.

Jas was silent, completely absorbed with his thoughts, while I took the pillows from the bed. Then he asked "Dada, Am I still going to hell?"

"No. You're going to bed."

On Silent Nights

2009-11-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

My eldest son Jas now clings on me to sleep every night. It seems like part of him accepts the fact that his brother Nate now got dibs over his mama's bosom. For the first time in many nights that we sleep together, Jas finds refuge in my silent embrace now. He takes my arms semi-consciously and wraps it around his belly. He usually kicks the blanket away and would dig a comfort sleep on my shoulder. Whenever he wakes up, I expect that he would move away from and ask for his mama, but instead he takes my other hand and say "Dada, kamot, kati"

It's hard to sleep because I always wanted to savor the moment..It's hard to sleep knowing one day, Jas would grow up and would find refuge in puberty or school or work or his own family... But until that time, I would like him to sleep in my embrace.

2am At Mardi Gras

2009-10-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

Sounds cool eh? Not when you're fetching your drank brother who was about to hit you in the face.

Now I can't sleep.

I miss writing...

2009-10-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

I miss writing stories, telling JAS' experiences, sharing uplifting beggar stories, commenting on something funny I passed by, proudly boasting about a not-so-intelligent discoveries I found, talking endlessly about small conversations Jody and I had, drawing interesting stories from my friends...

But I truly miss writing.

It makes me alive.

I was browsing to what I wrote in this journal about 2 days ago. It made me realize how fun that life is. How great it was to see everything in an innocent perspective. How I truly enjoy those small precious times with my son Jas. How it really is special to have my family.

Maybe it's just a phase... Maybe it will soon be better.. or maybe the beauty in this journey is the uncertainty of the road. I know where to go, I know that I have to live this life right. I guess I'm still blessed of having air to breath and being able to decide. Like the book, there's still hope for the flowers. I may have turned into a sour moth, rather than a promising butterfly. But who knows -- even moths can fly.

Yes, I really do miss writing.

If Death is Kind

2009-08-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

Perhaps if Death is kind, and there can be returning,
We will come back to earth some fragrant night,
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea,
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

- Sara Teasdale

Aang the Avatar!

2009-08-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

I made a 3d model of Aang. Hope you like it :)
Render in Zbrush and 3ds Max!

3D Model - Robotboy

2009-08-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

Another cartoon character loved by Jajas!

Wall-e 3ds max

2009-07-31T22:19:00.000-07:00

WALL E in 3ds Max.
Jas saw this and said WOW. I asked if it looks like WALL-E. He smiled and said "Nope".

Wall-e EVE 3ds max

2009-07-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

Jas requested that I make a 3D copy of Eve and Wall E, his favorite characters. Hope he likes this eve.

Tools: 3DSMax , Photoshop CS3

Manong - [3D TEST RENDER ] - WIP

2009-07-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

Test Render of Manong.
Modeled in Zbrush.

3D Self Portrait

2009-07-26T03:08:00.000-07:00

3D test render of my face -- Still studying hair in 3dsmax.. Will probably go to a barber if that's easier :)

Morphology

2009-07-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

" Morphology "
-- A portrayal of man's decaying soul.
Tools: Brain, Hands, WACOM, Zbrush 3.1, Photoshop CS3

The Stranger

2009-07-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

Funny that whenever I look at the mirror now, all I see is a clean shiny mirror.
They say that a man's worst enemy is thyself. You'll have this raging battle anytime, anywhere. You make and criticize your own actions.. You remember things you've done and you regret being you. You ignore your own being as if you don't exist.

Narcissus did not fall in love with himself.. Narcissus tricked and drowned himself, winning the silent war -- dead.

flash program for sale

2009-07-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to sell programs at Envato..
Got 2 pruchases! hehe. bili kayo!

http://flashden.net/item/dynamically-resizing-pseudo-3d-bar-as2/45989

JAS WORDS: from Jody's facebook status

2009-06-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

Julieta sabi ng magaling kong anak: "Mom, are you crazy?!! Are you nuts?! Are you loony?! Are you KIDDING?!!" jody: Ay, anak mali na yung 'kidding'. hindi sha synonym

New site design

2009-06-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my website v2. Took me the entire early morning to finish it. Hope you like it.

http://www.rsandagon.com

JAS WORDS again :)

2009-06-29T02:38:00.000-07:00

As I handed Jas his sandwhich one evening, he delightedly looked at the bread and said "Hey gorgeous...Come to Papa."

[Prototype] Pinup

2009-06-22T04:51:00.000-07:00

My father's been playing this game for days now. I like the main character. I hope I did justice in this drawing: