Undecided and Numb

Before a an unfortunate fate what do most people do: Short before a gun fire, a lightning strike or a collision, people simply close their eyes. It's a natural defense mechanism of hiding away; the same way an Ostritch barrow its head during predation. A psychological comfort before a painful tragedy.

I am in such state.

I'm closing myself from emotional turmoil. I'm trying not to sense my periphery and pretend not to see the consequences of my actions. I keep my cool though perspiring profusely.

I pretend.

I'm no longer sure of who I am with overlaying masks overneath my face. I'm sorting messes I've done, trying to repair broken actions. I lie with myself, I make myself believe and I comfort the monster within me.

I'm guilty.

I've committed faults to myself and to people I hold close. My principle of being the only one hurt turned upside down, with me enjoying every moment while the rest suffer. I got numb and disconnected with the world I live in. I suddenly wanted to live happily ignorant.

I'm undecided. Worst I'm not sure what choices I have, or if I really should decide. I used to be a control freak, now I simply let things be. Interchanging a hero for a villain, with battles still waging inside my head: A battle that will last for my life time.